Friendship woes

I would give anything to have the hope I had last week. I was on top of the world. I’m not sure what happened over the weekend, but Sunday I was angry and withdrawn.

At the end of the day I was pretty triggered. One of my friends is going through a hard time right now. It makes me very sad that I can’t help her as I have before. She made a generalized comparison to a friend she used to have and it took me to a very bad place. Unfortunately I struggle a lot with feeling unworthy and like a bad person. So to be compared to this person she finds awful really took me to that place. Logically I know she didn’t directly compare me, but that’s where my brain goes and I can’t shake it.

Feeling unworthy and a disappointment makes me want to withdraw so hard it’s a struggle for me to keep my head above water. I immediately think she’d be better off without me, especially because I know she’ll read this and take my problems as her own and that makes me feel worse because she has enough on her plate. Now I feel like more of a burden. This is exactly the time I would withdraw and disappear in the past. Or I would start a fight so there was a reason to end the friendship.

Does anyone else feel like this? How do you make it stop??  This is my attempt to change, to start a new way of being a friend. How do I not flee? Every fiber of my being wants to run, and FAST!

A letter to you

I know I’ve been posting a lot of stuff like this lately, but it’s just so appropriate that nothing else needs to be said.

I also know that a lot of people here feel unworthy, depressed and like no one cares or understands. I understand. I’ve often felt like that myself. I also know that’s not true. I care about everyone that follows my blog, and everyone I haven’t met yet that may be reading this. Why, you ask? Because you are worthy. That’s the simple answer. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve happiness and all of the best things in life. If you are reading this, it is because you have a desire to be better, to be happy and fulfilled. And that is completely attainable. And you deserve it.

So keep hanging on. Keep trying. Keep fighting. Because one day you will get there, I promise. Nothing is too hard to overcome, especially together. Don’t give up my friend. Reach out. Take my hand and let’s get through this together. If you need someone, send me an email anytime. I’m here for you, and you deserve the world.


Seeing the good in bad

In August I got really sick one day. I had abdominal pain which got worse and worse. I went to the ER and found out I had massive fibroids on my uterus and cysts on both ovaries. I also had significant scarring from endometriosis.

This was all news to me; I had just seen the ob doctor about a year and a half prior and everything was fine. I didn’t have problems with my cycle and had no idea there was an issue.

I was in shock. They had no answers for me in the hospital, just to follow up with my doctor within two weeks.

I couldn’t get in to see the doctor right away; she was booked solid. I spent that week at home on the couch in pain.

When I finally saw her, the first thing she said was that I needed surgery. I figured this was the case so I was not surprised.

The surgery was scheduled for the following week so I didn’t have time to even worry about it or be nervous. I was still in shock.

The surgery had complications and ended up being much more extensive than originally planned.

What I wasn’t expecting was the feelings after the surgery. I had never planned to have children as I was raised in a very abusive household and I didn’t want to risk passing that on to someone else. I refuse to repeat what my mother did to me. However after the surgery I found myself deep in a period of mourning.

I mourned the loss of part of my body, and the choice of having children one day. I was shocked and it took me completely off guard. I had been so sure. I’m still mostly sure, but wow,  I was definitely not expecting those feelings!

I fell into a deep depression over the next few months. It’s now been 5 months since my surgery and I’m still struggling with those feelings.

Last night I had an epiphany with the help of a good friend. While the surgery really was awful, and I’m sad that I don’t have the choice of giving birth, many good things have happened as a direct result of the surgery.

Yes, you read that correctly. Good things have come from my hysterectomy. Many in fact.

First, I started this blog which has helped me deal with many things in my life.

Second, I have talked to and been supported by so many amazing people on WordPress!

I found another blogger with a lot of the same interests and issues as me. We became fast friends and are able to support each other through everything.

I reconnected with my cousins and my aunt. They have all been amazingly supportive throughout everything and I’m so thankful to have them back in my life.

We adopted an amazing and adorable bunny who always makes me smile even during the worst times. He was a vital part of my recovery from surgery and kept me moving around when I just wanted to hide in bed for days.

I had time off of work, which is never a bad thing!

Last but not least I found out who my true friends are. People I would have never expected stepped up and showed me amazing support. Others that I thought would be there showed their true colors.

It’s often hard to imagine that there could be good things in the worst thing. But often things happen for a reason, and many great things can occur as a direct result of even the shittiest thing.

As they say, when one door closes another one opens. The childbearing door closed, but another door opened to my family, new friends, a pet and a whole Internet’s worth of love and support.

Leaky Friends

I was talking to QP today about someone in my life (who we will call Beaker) and I thought I’d share her insight because I found it extremely helpful. I swear she should do this stuff for a living!

I met Beaker almost two years ago. She’s close to my age, and I thought we would be fast friends. At that point in my life the less I knew you, the more I would be vulnerable and tell you my most intimate thoughts and feelings right off the bat. Then, the more I knew you and the closer we got I would become more and more withdrawn and scared by that intimacy and vulnerability. Completely backwards from most people, I know. No one ever said I have all my ducks in a row, that’s for sure.

I overshared as usual, but our relationship stalled out at drinking buddies. I did however guess from day 1 that she is bi and asked her about it. She was very deep in the closet, so I had somewhat of an inside track on knowing her. I shared her secret with no one, because that is definitely not my story to tell.

Beaker started having personal problems with her partner and had no one else to talk to about it so she opened up to me. I made a significant effort to try to take this friendship to the next level and truly wanted to help her. I should mention that during the whole time I have known her, when she gets in bad moods she tends to isolate and stop talking to me. I originally overlooked this and just accepted the roller coaster as part of her personality.

Even though I was going through my own troubles with my depression and anxiety I really put myself out there and offered her the best support and advice as I possibly could. Generally I am not well versed in empathy so it really was a large stretch for me to be there for her. But I did it. I invested every emotional penny I had into helping Beaker through this tough time.

After awhile I noticed we were having the same conversations over and over. I would recommend the same things, show her the same paths she could choose, but still she asked me again and again what she should do. At some point I gave up asking her how things were going because I really was emotionally wasted and had nothing else to give to this endless circle of “what should I do’s”.  She stopped seeking my support and advice, probably noticing my lackluster reply to her conundrum.

Fast forward to 3 months ago. I was hospitalized and had to have surgery. I had mostly given up on the idea of being friends with her, but still reached out to her so she would know what was going on with me. Again I divulged personal details regarding my feelings toward the surgery. It was met with coldness and lack of care. I gave up and focused my attention on people who did care about my health and well-being so we stopped talking for several months.

Now I am back to my normal day to day routine and Beaker is in my life again. However, she is not really speaking to me and giving me the cold shoulder. I have pretty much given up on trying to be friends with her, but it is hard for me to shut her out completely. First of all, I have no choice but to see her every day. That is unavoidable. Lately I have just been cordial but not putting myself out there at all. I have accepted we will never be besties, but I’m having trouble finding the fine line between trying to befriend her and getting hurt repeatedly, and completely shutting her out.

I wear my feelings on my sleeves so I have a hard time being fake towards people that I don’t particularly like. I’ve been wearing headphones to avoid feeling the urge to communicate with her, but I feel like since I have to see her every day that is a temporary fix. She also has been cold and uncaring regarding my recovery from surgery which is painful to me. There has also been gossiping behind my back and overall rudeness.

In her immense wisdom and knowledge, this is what QP had to say about this situation:

“If you define success as “she no longer sucks”, then this will always be a fail. But if you redefine it to mean “I’m no longer upset by her suck”, that’s more realistic, and it seems like in that way things are changing. Now that you see that “she doesn’t suck” is unattainable, the good news is “I’m not upset but her suck” is totally doable! And you’re doing it. Accepting that you won’t be besties isn’t really the same as writing her off. There’s a lot of gray area there. You can’t force a relationship to be what you want it to be or think it should be. Water finds it’s own level.”

In my infinite wisdom I replied, “but if you dump enough water, won’t it eventually fill up?” As soon as I typed it, I realized the answer. There’s a leak. Beaker has a leak and no matter how much I put into the relationship, unless she decides to fill that hole in, it will never be what I want it to be. The problem is not with me, it is with her. And I can’t fix her. It’s something she has to do on her own, so I need to figure out how to not “be upset by her suck”, and do my thing. If she ever stops sucking, then I can reevaluate and see if I want to give her another chance. Until then I guess I’ll keep rocking the headphones and accepting that she sucks and not invest anymore of my hard earned emotional pennies on leaky people.