Down the rabbit hole

I’ve spent the last 20+ years struggling with self harm, cutting specifically. I’ve gone for long periods of time without doing it, years even, but once I fall back down that rabbit hole it is very difficult to climb back out.

Usually I cut when I feel very strong emotions. I can cope with the normal day to day for the most part, but when things get truly difficult, I just can’t. Right now I feel really down on myself. Some things have happened that I blame myself for and I can’t figure out how not to blame myself. I’ve tried the coping mechanisms that my therapist suggested like taking ice cold showers. I stood under the freezing water for quite a long time the other day. It hurt, and I thought for a time that I would never get the feeling back in my toes.

The cold water just didn’t fill that need to see my skin sliced open, to watch the blood rush out and run down my thigh in rivers. I don’t know what it is about cutting that makes me always come back to it. Maybe it is that the pain lasts for days? That every time I bump it accidentally, I experience the pain again? Or is it seeing the blood run out, as if I can somehow open my skin and allow the pain to rush out?

I’ve tried other ways to deal with this feeling. I’ve tried exercise, punching pillows, hitting things, screaming. None help as much as cutting. Maybe it is the aspect of me punishing myself? Cutting my skin, therefore punishing myself with the pain, and also the scars that remain from each time I’ve done this.

Control
They send me away to find them a fortune
A chest filled with diamonds and gold
The house was awake, the shadows and monsters
The hallways, they echoed and groaned
I sat alone, in bed till the morning
I’m crying, “They’re coming for me”
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me
My mind’s like a deadly disease
I’m bigger than my body
I’m colder than this home
I’m meaner than my demons
I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out, “Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
I paced around for hours on empty
I jumped at the slightest of sounds
And I couldn’t stand the person inside me
I turned all the mirrors around
I’m bigger than my body
I’m colder than this home
I’m meaner than my demons
I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out, “Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
I’m well acquainted with villains that live in my head
They beg me to write them so they’ll never die when I’m dead
And I’ve grown familiar with villains that live in my head
They beg me to write them so I’ll never die when I’m dead
I’m bigger than my body
I’m colder than this home
I’m meaner than my demons
I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out, “Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
And all the kids cried out, “Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
Songwriters: Ashley Frangipane / Timothy Joliffe Bran / Roy Edward Kerr
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A bit of inspiration

Today I am feeling really positive and motivated to inspire and help all of my followers to feel that they are not alone. I know I am some random person at some random IP address floating out there in cyberspace but I want to be MORE. I want everyone to feel like there is someone out there that understands their depression and anxiety. Understands that it’s okay to not be okay all of the time.  It is okay to fall apart, to not be perfect all of the time. It is okay to stumble sometimes in this great big walk of life. I understand what it feels like to not be able to live your life to the fullest because you are afraid to leave the house. I understand how depression can become so overwhelming that it takes all of your strength just to get out of bed each day. I understand the mental exhaustion that flashbacks, depression and anxiety cause. I understand feeling worthless, unnecessary and a waste of time and space. Here’s the thing though, this is the toll that depression takes on our lives. These are the outright lies that depression tells us. Every single person, young and old alike have a purpose in this world. No matter if you are a millionaire or do not even have two pennies to rub together, you MATTER. You bring something special to this world and serve a vital role. You can never know the role you serve in someone else’s life, or what is right around the corner. You can never predict what moment is seconds away from happening that you may miss if you give up now. I know how it feels when everything seems impossible and you are in the trenches, just fighting to survive. I’ve been there and am often still there. My hope is that these words inspire you to feel wanted, needed and that you are not alone. I may be a complete stranger, but I care about you. You inspire me to be better and to reach out. If you need someone to talk to, I am here. All it takes is an email (riseofthephoenixblog@gmail.com). Just take a chance and reach out.

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Depression Lies

To everyone out there that feels like they don’t matter, they aren’t important and no one cares, I share this with you: “You have value. You have worth. You are loved. Trust the voices of those who love you. Trust the enormous chorus of voices that say only one thing: You matter. Depression lies. We must tell the truth.”

I found this originally on blackspotsite: http://blackspotsite.com/2016/03/28/depression-lies/

I thought I would also share the article she references:  https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2016/03/23/i-told-the-truth-in-my-sisters-obituary-so-that-others-might-choose-to-live/

Take the time to read the blog and the article, it changed how I think.

Pain and self harm

There are people that I don’t want to read this because I know it will make things worse for them and I don’t want to do that.  I didn’t want to write at all because of that but I can’t help writing to get it out. It’s overwhelming.

I’ve been self harming for at least 20 years. It hasn’t always been constant. Sometimes I’ve gone months or years. It’s something that never seems to go away no matter how hard I try or how much I heal. Devastating things happen and I’m right back here again. I’m not suicidal, I just want to feel physical pain hoping it will ease the pain in my heart.

When I started cutting it was a release. I wasn’t allowed to express emotions growing up. I numbed it all out but it would come back up and I would try to cut it out. The cuts healed and some of the internal pain I suppose, but like the physical scars it never really leaves me. I’m constantly haunted by the marks on my arms and have to see them every day. I’m not sure if other people notice them. I hope not, as I’m ashamed.

Today I’m battling with the demons of self harm. I keep thinking if I could just do a little cut I would feel better. I’ve pictured myself smashing my head against a wall as hard as I can, hopefully knocking some sense into my brain. I’ve imagined stabbing myself and how that would feel. Thankfully my determination has won out against doing any of these things so far. I hope to remain strong and not fall back into this habit.

My therapist gave me some ideas for other options. Running until exhausted, tearing up papers or a phone book, taking as cold bath or shower as possible, punching a pillow or screaming into a pillow. I think I’m going to try the shower option and hope it helps. Writing has helped some, so I thank you for listening. Take care of yourselves, you are all amazing, strong and enough.

A letter to you

I know I’ve been posting a lot of stuff like this lately, but it’s just so appropriate that nothing else needs to be said.

I also know that a lot of people here feel unworthy, depressed and like no one cares or understands. I understand. I’ve often felt like that myself. I also know that’s not true. I care about everyone that follows my blog, and everyone I haven’t met yet that may be reading this. Why, you ask? Because you are worthy. That’s the simple answer. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve happiness and all of the best things in life. If you are reading this, it is because you have a desire to be better, to be happy and fulfilled. And that is completely attainable. And you deserve it.

So keep hanging on. Keep trying. Keep fighting. Because one day you will get there, I promise. Nothing is too hard to overcome, especially together. Don’t give up my friend. Reach out. Take my hand and let’s get through this together. If you need someone, send me an email anytime. I’m here for you, and you deserve the world.
Riseofthephoenixblog@gmail.com

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