Today

Two weeks ago my doctor changed my depression medicine. Today I broke down and begged God to kill me.

Logically I know that it is just the reaction from the meds that is making me feel like this, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

I feel so much emotional pain that I just want to die. I had a panic attack and hyperventilated. I sobbed for at least and hour and haven’t been able to stop crying since. I want to die, and I also want to hurt myself. I just want this pain to end. I haven’t felt like this in a long time and I dont know how to make it stop.

Why does medicine that is supposed to help depression have to take you to such a dark, horrible place first? And how am I going to get through this?

2 thoughts on “Today

  1. Ok, knowing this please keep mom from your heart. You’re a bit fragile and that’s ok … This too will pass.

    I think your wanting to reach out to mom speaks more about you and less about her. Perhaps you want to recreate that relationship with her you never got to have … And that’s ok too. I think you also have to accept the possibility (probability) of the relationship you desire and hope for will be different that what you imagine it could be.

    Is it possible you fear the loss of not having a great relationship with mom, and if you don’t let her in or give her a second chance (maybe truly 4th, 5th, 6th, etc. chance) you will miss this imagined opportunity.

    She is a person who has caused you great emotional damage whether or not she meant to. You are being very generous in having empathy for her and again this speaks more about YOU! Because you are hopeful, possess empathy, and are forgiving doesn’t mean you have to let someone like this back into your life. You are a whole person with bor without her. No matter how good your life is I don’t think mom represents the icing on the cake.

    You could start small by sending birthday and other holiday cards, seeing if she reciprocates. Work up to short phone calls on birthdays and Christmas (or whatever holiday floats your boat). You have to see if she is consistent amd reciprocal in this very tenuous relationship. I wouldn’t set your expectations high for her … Just see how SHE is and how she responds.

    You have attached a story about potential regret if you never let her into your life and died. It might be worth examining the potential regret of having let her into your and the relationship not meeting your imagined expectations, and worse yet, trying to get her back out of your life.

    Going to therapy with her sounds awful for both of you. You would reopen old wounds over and over and over. She should do her therapy which you have no control over and you do yours.

    You are a different you than when you were under her care, abuse and neglect combo. She is most probably different in ways too and possibly not in all the ways and the degree you hope or might even appreciate.

    And does your mom even want you in her life for emotionally healthy reasons? Is she trying to assauge her guilt? Is she trying to demonstrate she is a better person? To you? To herself? To others? Is she lonely? Is she afraid what god may think (if she is religious)? So far, none of these sound like healthy reasons for her to place her presence in your life — they sound very self-centered.

    So again, I say baby steps … Maybe fetus steps! She has to gain and earn your trust. Don’t be so eager to give her the keys to your heart when you already have people in your life that genuinely care and have demonstrated this with a proven track record. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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