Down the rabbit hole

I’ve spent the last 20+ years struggling with self harm, cutting specifically. I’ve gone for long periods of time without doing it, years even, but once I fall back down that rabbit hole it is very difficult to climb back out.

Usually I cut when I feel very strong emotions. I can cope with the normal day to day for the most part, but when things get truly difficult, I just can’t. Right now I feel really down on myself. Some things have happened that I blame myself for and I can’t figure out how not to blame myself. I’ve tried the coping mechanisms that my therapist suggested like taking ice cold showers. I stood under the freezing water for quite a long time the other day. It hurt, and I thought for a time that I would never get the feeling back in my toes.

The cold water just didn’t fill that need to see my skin sliced open, to watch the blood rush out and run down my thigh in rivers. I don’t know what it is about cutting that makes me always come back to it. Maybe it is that the pain lasts for days? That every time I bump it accidentally, I experience the pain again? Or is it seeing the blood run out, as if I can somehow open my skin and allow the pain to rush out?

I’ve tried other ways to deal with this feeling. I’ve tried exercise, punching pillows, hitting things, screaming. None help as much as cutting. Maybe it is the aspect of me punishing myself? Cutting my skin, therefore punishing myself with the pain, and also the scars that remain from each time I’ve done this.

Control
They send me away to find them a fortune
A chest filled with diamonds and gold
The house was awake, the shadows and monsters
The hallways, they echoed and groaned
I sat alone, in bed till the morning
I’m crying, “They’re coming for me”
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me
My mind’s like a deadly disease
I’m bigger than my body
I’m colder than this home
I’m meaner than my demons
I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out, “Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
I paced around for hours on empty
I jumped at the slightest of sounds
And I couldn’t stand the person inside me
I turned all the mirrors around
I’m bigger than my body
I’m colder than this home
I’m meaner than my demons
I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out, “Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
I’m well acquainted with villains that live in my head
They beg me to write them so they’ll never die when I’m dead
And I’ve grown familiar with villains that live in my head
They beg me to write them so I’ll never die when I’m dead
I’m bigger than my body
I’m colder than this home
I’m meaner than my demons
I’m bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out, “Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
And all the kids cried out, “Please stop, you’re scaring me”
I can’t help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
Songwriters: Ashley Frangipane / Timothy Joliffe Bran / Roy Edward Kerr

2 thoughts on “Down the rabbit hole

  1. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. It’s a fight I know too well. And I really identify with how nothing else comes close to what the cutting achieves, and also not even knowing what that is. I drive myself crazy trying to understand it. But it isn’t a logical thing and it is extremely addictive. Telling us to try a cold shower is like telling an alcoholic to have a cup of tea. It just isn’t the same thing. Keep writing on it. That helps me release something and sometimes can relieve my need to harm myself. X

    Liked by 1 person

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