I would give anything to have the hope I had last week. I was on top of the world. I’m not sure what happened over the weekend, but Sunday I was angry and withdrawn.
At the end of the day I was pretty triggered. One of my friends is going through a hard time right now. It makes me very sad that I can’t help her as I have before. She made a generalized comparison to a friend she used to have and it took me to a very bad place. Unfortunately I struggle a lot with feeling unworthy and like a bad person. So to be compared to this person she finds awful really took me to that place. Logically I know she didn’t directly compare me, but that’s where my brain goes and I can’t shake it.
Feeling unworthy and a disappointment makes me want to withdraw so hard it’s a struggle for me to keep my head above water. I immediately think she’d be better off without me, especially because I know she’ll read this and take my problems as her own and that makes me feel worse because she has enough on her plate. Now I feel like more of a burden. This is exactly the time I would withdraw and disappear in the past. Or I would start a fight so there was a reason to end the friendship.
Does anyone else feel like this? How do you make it stop?? This is my attempt to change, to start a new way of being a friend. How do I not flee? Every fiber of my being wants to run, and FAST!
rise of the phoenix 
Have a little faith! Talk to your friend. I am sure she wasn’t trying to compare you negatively with this other person. Your feelings are valid, but talking about them and forgiving is how we move forward from rocky encounters.
Remember how hard it is for you when you go through similar rough times of the year, and how rough it can be for your partner.
Take a moment and breathe. I’m sure you mean more to your friend than you know….
My thoughts are with you 💗💗💗
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I really understand this. I’ve recently started going to CoDA meetings, because I identify with the destructive patterns in my relationships. It all starts with having a healthier relationship with yourself – something that doesn’t happen overnight. I have faith that when I learn to value myself, and truly recognise what is good about me I will stop repeating those unhealthy patterns. Sounds like that might be the first step for you too. Laura x
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I so wish I knew how to value myself. The negative words in my mind started at a very young age, put there by my mother. My first 15 years of existence I was told I was bad, not worthy of love and acceptance. I try very hard to get these words out of my head and turn the volume down on that voice. Sometimes it still gets through. I find that a lot of the time I get overwhelmed and the logical part of my brain is barely a whisper, while the “mom voice” screams hateful words and phrases.
Thank you for the advice and kindness, I appreciate you!
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You know, friendships can be really weird … and we can read into a lot of things. Could you ask her directly if the comparison was to the “other friend” and if she’s feeling the same way about you?
I had what I thought to be the beginnings of the most awesome friendship w/ a next door neighbor, only to discover that she was a true loner. I have never felt that before in my life with a friendship. I blamed myself immediately. I did the best inventory I could, and I really felt I did nothing wrong. Strangely, I tried to “do” this friendship perfectly. She stood me up for yoga twice. I feel like such a stupid sucker and embarrassed for as many years as I’ve been going to yoga I cried — we were supposed to go together. I have never, ever, ever cried in yoga class. I felt so stupid.
I should have read the signs better from the onset of the friendship. Personally, I really think that friendships happen for a reason, a season or a lifetime — I wish all friendships could be a lifetime but it’s just not reality.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this because it must be kind of confusing, no real answers and you always second guess yourself. I also believe that friendships are: 1) a two-way street — the should usually be reciprocal most of the time, and 2) that friendships shouldn’t be such hard work that they just don’t come naturally.
Loomey, big hugs go you. I’m sorry. 😦
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… hugs TO you (not go you).
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I do it too.
I tend to frame everything that is happening around me to fit the mental crap that is currently terrorizing my head. So if I’m currently feeling like I can’t get anything done and I’m useless, and my boss gives a project to someone else my brain decides its because I’m terrible at my job and useless. Reality is more that I already have too much on my plate, so he’s spreading the work around.
If I’m feeling like I have been a terrible friend (and this one is almost all the time) and a friend says she hasn’t heard from me, I assume she is saying I’m a terrible friend. Reality is that she is worried and misses me – wants to say hi and catch up.
I don’t really have a solution. I have recently been reminding myself that the thoughts that pop into my head that are terrible – are not mine. They belong to Depression. I don’t need to claim them. I wouldn’t call it a super success – but it does help me to survive moments without a meltdown until I get to the time where I can see reality. The emotional garbage is still there. But I’m not expressing it out loud, like I do if I’m not consciously aware that this entire emotional garbage truck of thoughts is probably not rational and I should just hold on and not scare off the innocent bystanders.
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That’s it in a nutshell! Reframing thoughts and “beliefs” into something more positive! It’s an uphill battle to say the least, but with time practice and a lot of patience it can be done! I’m totally with you on this one!
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