I would give anything to have the hope I had last week. I was on top of the world. I’m not sure what happened over the weekend, but Sunday I was angry and withdrawn.
At the end of the day I was pretty triggered. One of my friends is going through a hard time right now. It makes me very sad that I can’t help her as I have before. She made a generalized comparison to a friend she used to have and it took me to a very bad place. Unfortunately I struggle a lot with feeling unworthy and like a bad person. So to be compared to this person she finds awful really took me to that place. Logically I know she didn’t directly compare me, but that’s where my brain goes and I can’t shake it.
Feeling unworthy and a disappointment makes me want to withdraw so hard it’s a struggle for me to keep my head above water. I immediately think she’d be better off without me, especially because I know she’ll read this and take my problems as her own and that makes me feel worse because she has enough on her plate. Now I feel like more of a burden. This is exactly the time I would withdraw and disappear in the past. Or I would start a fight so there was a reason to end the friendship.
Does anyone else feel like this? How do you make it stop?? This is my attempt to change, to start a new way of being a friend. How do I not flee? Every fiber of my being wants to run, and FAST!
rise of the phoenix 