There are people that I don’t want to read this because I know it will make things worse for them and I don’t want to do that. I didn’t want to write at all because of that but I can’t help writing to get it out. It’s overwhelming.
I’ve been self harming for at least 20 years. It hasn’t always been constant. Sometimes I’ve gone months or years. It’s something that never seems to go away no matter how hard I try or how much I heal. Devastating things happen and I’m right back here again. I’m not suicidal, I just want to feel physical pain hoping it will ease the pain in my heart.
When I started cutting it was a release. I wasn’t allowed to express emotions growing up. I numbed it all out but it would come back up and I would try to cut it out. The cuts healed and some of the internal pain I suppose, but like the physical scars it never really leaves me. I’m constantly haunted by the marks on my arms and have to see them every day. I’m not sure if other people notice them. I hope not, as I’m ashamed.
Today I’m battling with the demons of self harm. I keep thinking if I could just do a little cut I would feel better. I’ve pictured myself smashing my head against a wall as hard as I can, hopefully knocking some sense into my brain. I’ve imagined stabbing myself and how that would feel. Thankfully my determination has won out against doing any of these things so far. I hope to remain strong and not fall back into this habit.
My therapist gave me some ideas for other options. Running until exhausted, tearing up papers or a phone book, taking as cold bath or shower as possible, punching a pillow or screaming into a pillow. I think I’m going to try the shower option and hope it helps. Writing has helped some, so I thank you for listening. Take care of yourselves, you are all amazing, strong and enough.