Pain and self harm

There are people that I don’t want to read this because I know it will make things worse for them and I don’t want to do that.  I didn’t want to write at all because of that but I can’t help writing to get it out. It’s overwhelming.

I’ve been self harming for at least 20 years. It hasn’t always been constant. Sometimes I’ve gone months or years. It’s something that never seems to go away no matter how hard I try or how much I heal. Devastating things happen and I’m right back here again. I’m not suicidal, I just want to feel physical pain hoping it will ease the pain in my heart.

When I started cutting it was a release. I wasn’t allowed to express emotions growing up. I numbed it all out but it would come back up and I would try to cut it out. The cuts healed and some of the internal pain I suppose, but like the physical scars it never really leaves me. I’m constantly haunted by the marks on my arms and have to see them every day. I’m not sure if other people notice them. I hope not, as I’m ashamed.

Today I’m battling with the demons of self harm. I keep thinking if I could just do a little cut I would feel better. I’ve pictured myself smashing my head against a wall as hard as I can, hopefully knocking some sense into my brain. I’ve imagined stabbing myself and how that would feel. Thankfully my determination has won out against doing any of these things so far. I hope to remain strong and not fall back into this habit.

My therapist gave me some ideas for other options. Running until exhausted, tearing up papers or a phone book, taking as cold bath or shower as possible, punching a pillow or screaming into a pillow. I think I’m going to try the shower option and hope it helps. Writing has helped some, so I thank you for listening. Take care of yourselves, you are all amazing, strong and enough.

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8 thoughts on “Pain and self harm

  1. I am saddened to hear your pain and suffering… know that we are here to listen anytime. I wish that the effective ways to handle this pain will just show up in your life whenever and wherever you need. everyone deserves a better life, so do you… I had a good friend of mine cutting her wrists. she has been the kindest and most intelligent but also most suffering soul I have ever known. She is okay now, but your post reminded me her wrist cuts….my best wishes to you.

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  2. As always, I read posts from most recent to the later ones — your blog included … I’m sorry whatever happened that triggered the need to feel physical pain to escape the emotional pain. The sucky thing is that this is only a temporary reprieve from the emotional, as it will rear its ugly head in your head again.

    I’m not sure what happened. I understand the overwhelming nature of emotional pain and the desperate nature one gets into to escape these thoughts — these feelings that seem permanent, pervasive and everlasting.

    “There are only two mantras, yum and yuck, mine is yum.” ― Tom Robbins

    Please do not feel ashamed about the scars of your cuts. If someone shames you or looks down upon you for these, then they are not empathetic and have no idea of the real emotional pain you’ve experienced (or are experiencing). I think most people who would notice these types of scars feel more scared than anything … not a fear for their life per se, but confusion because they haven’t acted in this way and have no understanding why someone would choose acting like this … when often for you (or anyone else who cuts) the power to escape painful emotions can “cuts like a knife” … literally.

    If you do find someone who notices, or quietly notices these scars, and doesn’t tell you while remaining friends with you, THESE are the people you want in your life because they have some inkling of understanding before judgment and ignorance … and fear.

    I’m sorry for whatever took you to this point. Move on and let us know how that “cold shower” technique goes or whatever you decide in the moment should you be revisited by such painful thoughts.

    You MUST know that through your previous posts (and some personal emails) that your words stick in my head and YOU are an inspiration to me.

    “It’s the children the world almost breaks who grow up to save it.” ― Frank Warren

    I have totally been watching my self-talk like I’ve never done so in my life before. I’ve stopped denigrating myself in front of others … although I did have a small transgression on Friday. I’m not sure how you worded things or what you actually said, but somehow you broke through to ME to stop and/or watch what I say to and / or about myself whether in my head or aloud. I have been putting myself down … I “think” so that others won’t do it before I do … most often it backfires and then the people believe the negative things I say / have said about myself — an even worse situation. I’ve been waiting for “that” person in-person to lift me up and negate my self-deprecation, but no one has done it so far … that person hasn’t shown up in real life. I’m getting old as I wait for him or her … a rescuer and soother of sorts.

    All I can think it that sometimes we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves — our own worst self.

    “We are our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.” ― Tom Robbins

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