My therapist asked about that job I applied for a few months ago. I told him I haven’t heard back but remain hopeful. The hiring manager said she hasn’t given up on me yet and that she had to explore all options and had another person to interview. I remained hopeful. I thought that was a good thing, hope. That it was good to have hope. A significant improvement over being depressed. Right? Well apparently not because he said in his reply that it’s been to long and I should look elsewhere. So much for hope.
So I tell my friend about it, expecting overwhelming support and on outcry against my therapist. She agreed with him.
So I’m devastated. Because somehow I’m the only one with hope for myself. I’m somehow the only optimistic person here. Maybe I’m completely clueless and don’t get it. I already feel unqualified for the position and unworthy. But I put that aside and somehow had hope. But they’ve confirmed it. That it was fruitless. There’s no hope for me, I’m not sure why I thought there was. I guess I’m delusional.
I internalized my pain but it keeps seeping out. I can’t talk to my partner because it hurts too much. I came to bed crying but she didn’t notice. Why am I fighting so hard to heal and be better? What’s the point? No one hopes for me. No one. It’s dumb but I feel like my rabbit is the only one who loves me no matter what. He somehow understands and is there for me. This is why I don’t trust. Because no matter what, it’s just me in this. I can only depend on myself.