My therapist asked about that job I applied for a few months ago. I told him I haven’t heard back but remain hopeful. The hiring manager said she hasn’t given up on me yet and that she had to explore all options and had another person to interview. I remained hopeful. I thought that was a good thing, hope. That it was good to have hope. A significant improvement over being depressed. Right? Well apparently not because he said in his reply that it’s been to long and I should look elsewhere. So much for hope.

So I tell my friend about it, expecting overwhelming support and on outcry against my therapist. She agreed with him.

So I’m devastated. Because somehow I’m the only one with hope for myself. I’m somehow the only optimistic person here. Maybe I’m completely clueless and don’t get it. I already feel unqualified for the position and unworthy. But I put that aside and somehow had hope. But they’ve confirmed it. That it was fruitless. There’s no hope for me, I’m not sure why I thought there was. I guess I’m delusional.

I internalized my pain but it keeps seeping out. I can’t talk to my partner because it hurts too much. I came to bed crying but she didn’t notice. Why am I fighting so hard to heal and be better? What’s the point? No one hopes for me. No one. It’s dumb but I feel like my rabbit is the only one who loves me no matter what. He somehow understands and is there for me. This is why I don’t trust. Because no matter what, it’s just me in this. I can only depend on myself.


8 thoughts on “Hope

  1. I suppose there is truth in that. You can only depend on yourself. If you don’t have hope for yourself, it doesn’t matter how much hope others have – it wouldn’t make a difference. I think you’re right to believe in yourself, and possibly others are just trying to manage your expectations so you’re not floored by disappointment if that happens. Often, my therapist says things and I have a knee-jerk reaction about them. But I know ultimately I am angry because it is simply a truth I don’t want to hear. I think they usually have the best intentions.

    Finally, if you don’t get the job, it wasn’t meant for you. I work in business psychology, so I know that on the whole, employers who take forever to respond to candidates aren’t people you’d want to work for. It demonstrates a lack of consideration for people’s feelings that isn’t usually an enjoyable culture to work in.

    Laura x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Laura, thank you so much for your words. I already work there and am trying to move to a different department. A friend who also works there warned me that the process takes a long time, so I don’t necessarily feel like it’s a lack of consideration, moreso too much bureaucracy. But I’m certainly not an expert so I guess we’ll see!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are such a strong person! Having hope and faith in yourself is incredibly important! Like we talked about this morning, your partner has always got your back! She believes in you more than you will ever know. She is there for you, and opening up to her we allow her to be there more.

    Your therapist and friend do care about you, and they have faith in you. They aren’t telling you to give up hope, merely to not settle for having your eggs all in one basket so to speak. Have faith in the people who care about you…. But most of all keep your faith in yourself ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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  3. Sometimes my brain will turn other people’s good intentions into a knife in the back. It twists everything around so that everything feels like rejection and insult. And then it eventually turns that into the belief that those perceived rejections and insults are deserved. Reality is often lost if I don’t stop to sort it out.

    So I’m going to ask: Is it really a dichotomy? Does applying for another job mean there is no hope for this one?

    You have a right to what is good in life and no reason to wait for it. And there is not only one path to great opportunities. Don’t let your brain trick you into projecting terrible things on being proactive about your life.

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  4. I’m right there with ya sister girl … in the waiting period. I talked to my husband at length AKA ad nauseum about the whole waiting for a reply-job-thing, and he said if I’m not chosen that I wouldn’t want to work in that area anyway; he went on to tell me that as I had described to him, I’d given it my ALL in the interview and was myself AND if they don’t like me for me, then it’s not the place for me.

    I did A LOT of reading on the internet on who, how & why they pick candidates. Being selected is only the first part in the job process. The interview is so subjective — beyond our control and we can usually never know why exactly why they picked one person and not another.

    I think you might find this podcast by TWO GUYS ON YOUR HEAD interesting … even *if* it is after the fact: http://kut.org/post/what-remember-when-applying-jobs (it’s about 7 mins.)

    With this hugely, long hiatus that I’ve going to have wait to know if I got the job — just like you, it’s giving me time to distance myself from the sting of pain of being rejected — if I am. You gave me a lot of good words of encouragement … maybe you could go dig up that old email and reread it as reframed for yourself.

    I am HOPEFUL for you! I am HOPEFUL for myself too. This was the most difficult job interview I’ve had in my entire life. I try to tell myself, like YOU pointed out to me, that I do like my job and that I have a job. I’m trying to find the positives in where I am AND remain hopeful.

    Please know that if you didn’t get this job it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. There is so much randomness in this job application process. Randomness that you can’t control. I think I share the sense of entitlement of getting “that job”, but I need to remember that neither am I worse than those applicants, but not better either. I still have hope. It’s always OK to hope. You put yourself out there, which unlike the bunch of bananas I work with, they don’t do that. It does take a lot to get the new resume together, get the gumption and guts to apply for the transfer, and in the meantime “hope”. WTF else can you do?

    I don’t know if your situation / job is like mine, and you’re quite picky — in other words, you’re not just going to jump ship for any old job. So, with that said you (me) must be in an OK place with most aspects of our jobs if we’re not willing to settle changing to another job that we could easily get just to get out of where we are. Yeah, I could easily go work nights. Um, no, been there, done that and it almost killed me.

    Maybe while you have HOPE for that job, you can also have hope in general for the future, and other possibilities that may come along. I wish I had a magical answer for you. And I’m sorry that you felt unnoticed when you cried.

    Virtual hugs your way ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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