For as long as I can remember, these thoughts have reverberated through my soul; serving as a compass to guide me. I have always believed that since my mother failed me, everyone will. My mother hates me, so once everyone sees my true self (not the mask I portray) they will also hate me. My mother left me, so everyone will. My mother thinks I’m a monster, so I am.
Today I was talking to a friend, and I wrote something to that effect. That I do not trust anyone, because the one person who was never supposed to leave did. As I was writing it, I realized how ridiculous it is to believe that. Thankfully today is a good day, and my positive inner voice spoke up and told me how ridiculous these thoughts are.
My mother failed me because of mental illness and her inability to rise above that and not use it to damage others. If my mother hates me, which no one can truly say but her, then it is because of her own deficits, not mine. My mother left me, and again no one can say why but her. It is possible she left me because she realized she was in over her head and was damaging me. My mother told me awful things, like I was bad and I am going to hell because she was reflecting her own thoughts about herself onto me. I’ve done that before myself, it’s an easy transition.
After absorbing all of this, I have a few thoughts now. Just because my mother left me, it does not mean that others will. They are two completely separate instances that are not at all related. Just because I had two relationships over the course of 13 years that did not work out, does not mean my current relationship will not work, and she will leave. Also, I had a very large hand in both of those relationships failing, so they did not per se “leave me”.
My current partner has never done anything to lead me to believe that she will hurt me, or leave me. If anything, she has done the exact opposite through compromise and compassion. She has never lied to me, or betrayed me to not offer her my trust. My current friends have also not done anything that would prove that they cannot be trusted.
If I have discovered anything today, it is the question of what gives my mother so much power that still, after 34 and a half years, she could be dictating my life to such an extreme? Nothing about the title of “mother” guarantees that this person has to love me, take care of me, and make me feel good about myself. It is just a word used to describe someone who gave birth to me. The definition of “mother” is this: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. What an enlightening discovery! This woman gave birth to me, and that is all the power she could have over me. It does not imply anything more. She gave birth to me. That is all.