This I dedicate to you, my mother.

To my mother, to my father
It’s your son or
It’s your daughter
Are my screams loud enough for
You to hear me, should I turn this up for you

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don’t know
How to listen
And let me make
My decision

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

All your insults and your curses
Make me feel like I’m not a person
And I feel like I am nothing
But you made me so
Do something

‘Cause I’m fucked up
Because you all need attention
Attention you couldn’t give

‘Cause,

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

Source: Staind- For You lyrics

 

And you
Can bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the door

But I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I felt like this won’t end
It’s for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I’ve cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

But I’m on the outside
And I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I’ve cried
All this wasted
It’s all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be OK

But I’m on the outside
And I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Source: Staind- Outside Lyrics

 

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3 thoughts on “This I dedicate to you, my mother.

  1. What if ALL the good things people said got locked inside your head? Then what?

    My mom said some sh*t to me too … especially in the last year of her life. I still can’t tell if it was her talking, some dementia, jealousy, anger or what. It hurt a lot at the time and instead of yelling at her or fighting with her … I took off running LITERALLY! I ran around the neighborhood and I don’t even think I had proper running shoes on. My mother could make my blood boil in an instant.

    Some mothers are better than others … more kind, more loving, etc. I just wish I could have known my mom’s personal history because if I had known that she was abused, neglected, not treated right … whatever, it would allow me more grace in accepting the cruel things she had to say to me because I would know they were a reflection of her upbringing and not necessarily personal.

    Loomy, I don’t know if you’re going to try to adopt or have kids in some way, but I won’t. I’m closer to 50 and it’s just not something that’s going to happen. I really wanted a child sometimes because I wanted to try to be the mother I wanted that I never had and I know that that will never be a part of my life right now. I’ve mostly come to terms with that … mostly. I know that parenting is an incredibly hard job … I see parents ALL around me, throughout the years … friends, strangers, honest TV shows … and I know there would have been no guarantee that I would have been a “better” parent than my mother, but I believe in my heart that I would have damn well tried. I do know that sometimes we carry habits and/or ingrained beliefs from our families of origin, but I would have never wanted to be the mother my mom was.

    Did she beat me? NO. Was she all doped up on heroin or an alcoholic? NO. But she wasn’t really a parent who was present and interested in raising a child. I never wanted to be a parent like her.

    Anyway, sorry I highjacked your post here, but I guess somehow your words struck a cord with me.

    Hope you are well. Virtual hugs today! 🙂

    I love reading your posts because they are honest, interesting and real … they touch my heart too.
    Keep your chin up and don’t let those thoughts (bad ones) sabotage your beautiful mind.

    Liked by 1 person

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