The Cusp

I’ve been feeling for awhile now like I’m on the cusp of something. There are a lot of things kind of “up in the air” in my life. They’re not really up in the air, I think my feelings about them are up in the air.

I’m trying to get a new position in the company I work for. I’m trying not to get my hopes up about the position, so I’m kind of in this “limbo” area between hopeful and telling myself it will be ok if I don’t get it.

I have a new friend, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up about that too. She’s awesome, and so far everything I wanted in a friend; supportive, understands my past because she’s dealt with depression and anxiety too; and texts me back when I text her (that seems silly I know, but some people are so bad at this). I don’t have a good track record with friends. I’ve been bad at boundaries, I get super close to them then get scared and push them away, and often they never live up to the expectations I have for friends. As for my expectations, I always expect from people what I put out there. I’ve learned over the years that a lot of people aren’t capable of that. Maybe they have their own expectations and they are different than mine? I let very few people in, and when I do I expect them to live up to the standards that I hold myself to. But at the same time, being vulnerable and trusting becomes increasingly difficult the closer they get.

I feel convoluted about my life right now. I am in a relationship but I don’t feel like I’m capable or deserving of love. I’m not capable of meeting the standards that I think I should be at. I can’t love her how I want to; how I should. I can’t shower her with love and hugs and kisses. Last night she grasped both of my wrists to pull me closer to her and I panicked. I had a horrible flashback, followed by hours of anxiety. What kind of person freaks out when their partner touches them? That’s the person I should trust the most, but I am afraid when she moves to touch me, or touches me unexpectedly. I don’t feel that is fair to her, to walk on eggshells around me.

I feel conflicted about therapy. I haven’t been participating in couple’s therapy for months; if I ever really did. I am not talking to my therapist every day anymore, sometimes not for several days. I don’t know if I’m just tired (I’ve been in daily therapy for over a year now). Or maybe it’s at a point where it isn’t helping anymore? Or am I just shutting down because it’s been so hard lately?

I still don’t know how I feel about my hysterectomy.

I’m sure there’s more, but I feel so mixed up I can’t even write anymore.

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2 thoughts on “The Cusp

  1. You are an incredible person, and so deserving of love! Life is a journey, and your partner is the person who has your back when things are hard. Your teammate in life! I’m sure you provide her support and show her love in more ways than you could ever imagine.

    Liked by 1 person

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