I often wonder if it is possible to heal in the ways that I feel like I need to heal to have healthy and trusting relationships. To be able to be vulnerable enough to be touched without mentally and physically flinching away. To not feel afraid when someone comes close to me.
I was able to do this before, but it meant closing myself off to the pain, numbing it completely and pretending it wasn’t there. Since I’ve opened myself up to this pain (to the best of my ability) it seems things have only been made worse. I can no longer stand to be touched most of the time. I am easily overwhelmed and can barely find resolution during an argument. When the pain is at it’s worse I can’t communicate and I feel the overwhelming urge to be alone. I can’t work through this pain with another, it makes it worse. I’m at my most vulnerable during these times, and least capable of allowing support.
I’m broken into pieces no larger than a speck of dust and whenever I make progress putting that dust back together, a strong wind blows it all apart again.
I’m tired; physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted to the point of collapse.