This morning I went on a walk in an attempt to get back into exercising. I was going to the gym daily and channeling my anxiety into physical activity; losing over 20 lbs during the summer. Unfortunately I had an abdominal hysterectomy September 2, 2015 and wasn’t able to exercise. By the time I had recovered from the surgery, my anxiety was out of control since I no longer had that physical outlet. I’ve also fallen into a pretty deep hole of depression since the surgery.
I never wanted kids, but something about having that option taken away from me at the age of 33 really threw me for a loop. I still don’t necessarily want a child, but I am still grieving. I haven’t been able to put my finger on the complete reason, and it’s really bothering me. I feel if I could just figure out what I’m grieving and why, I could move through it and heal.
Seeing people with their children now strikes a nerve with me and makes me sad. Pregnant women, and when people talk about getting pregnant also make me sad. I don’t know how to describe it, I feel incomplete somehow, like something is missing.
Feeling like I have a hole inside of me isn’t anything new. I never knew my father, my mother disowned me, after abusing me from a young age until 15. Foster care from 15-18 was less than a pleasant experience, however I did receive enough therapy to become a functional adult.
Since surgery I’ve tried to fill this missing space inside with a lot of unhealthy habits; food, alcohol, mindless TV, however nothing has worked. I did get a pet rabbit, Bailey, and he has helped a lot. It is easier for me to be open and vulnerable with a pet than other people. He makes me smile, and loves to be cuddled and petted.
I realized this morning that I have gained 30 lbs since the surgery, and that I need to get myself back on track. I went outside and walked for 23 minutes and a little over a mile. So, 4 loops around my apartment complex. It’s not amazing, but I suppose it is a start. It didn’t help that it is 17 degrees outside and a little icy. I should get some of those things that go over shoes to keep from slipping. It is supposed to warm up to 50 degrees by Saturday, then back down to the 20s and snowing by Tuesday (welcome to crazy Cleveland, Ohio weather). I will have to play it by ear with the weather but I really want to get back into the habit of exercising. Maybe I could get a cheap elliptical or stationary bike for the winter.
I love playing basketball, and we have a court in our apartment complex. It is difficult to play in the winter because the court is only open from 9am-9pm. I leave for work at 7am and get home between 5pm and 6. When I get home it is already dark, so walking will have to do for now.
I also wonder if the weight gain could be associated with my depression medication change about a month ago. I went from 40 mg of Prozac daily to 150 mg of Effexor XR. After the surgery I maintained my weight within 5 lbs. I gained some weight in November when I went back to work (I was up 10 lbs.), but it seems to have really picked up speed within the past month. My depression, eating and drinking habits have also gotten significantly worse since returning to work so it is hard to say which is affecting my weight the most. I will just have to keep trying to exercise; weather permitting, and get my nutrition back on track.