My Unicorn Manifesto

From the lovely and insightful QP:

So I was called a unicorn. It was meant to be a hurtful comment. It was meant to harm myself and another. But much like my good friend Bitch taking that as her moniker, I decided to roll with it. I decided to claim it, and go ahead and write that on my nametag. Because I would rather label myself than let anyone else do it for me. And I get the added bonus of getting to define exactly what that means to me.

Unicorns are fearless. You never see them depicted running away from a dragon, or hiding behind a tree. Unicorns don’t blend in, so they don’t even try. They stand right there in front of god and everybody declaring here I am, bitches, lets PARTAY. No wallflower, this one. So I’m going to throw myself into the world like a kamikaze pilot. I’m going to go places and meet people and hold my head high. I’m going to be myself unapologetically.

Unicorns are mysterious. They don’t have their hearts sutured to their sleeve (although that sounds like fun..). You can’t wiki them and find out their diet and sleeping habits and mating preferences and the shape and consistency of their poo like every other animal in the world. They retain an air of mystery. They are amazing enough to be secure in that fact and not need to smack you in the face with their super-coolness to prove anything. So I’m going to rest in the security that I am amazing, and that has nothing at all to do what what anyone else thinks.

Unicorns are independent. Often they are depicted alone. Ever seen a pic of a bunch of them chilling by a stream, or country line dancing? Nope. There’s a reason for it. Being independent is about being into what you are into. Not forming yourself around the preferences of family, friends or lovers, like a candle left in the sun, malleable and pliable. So I’m going to do me. I’m gonna rock right out with someme. I want to do it with my friends, family, and lovers (if I choose to take any), but if it’s a choice between what everyone else wants to do and what I want or need for myself, sorry guys, I’m going with me.

Unicorns are honorable. Honor has always been huge to me. It’s a code. A creed. A way of life. Unicorns are like the knights of the animal kingdom. Kind of a handfull. Kind of a headstong pain in the ass. But ultimately you know they aren’t in it for the money or the glory. Their heart is in the right place. So I’m going to walk the super thin line between being respectful and knowing when to shut my mouth and open my ears, and pulling my “QP tells it on the mountain” spouting off about my opinions. I am still a n00b in a lot of ways, so feel free to smack me in the head and tell me I’m being a dumbass. I need that, and Z is just too far away now. I’m gonna try for that sweet spot right in the middle. I’m sure I will fail, but that’s what trying is all about.

Unicorns are majestic. Unicorns are some sexy bitches, really. They’re all big and white with that phallic horn right on their face like that. When I was a teenager I was offered a modeling contract. I was gorgeous. Not in that wistful “but now….” sort of way. No, in the “cover of a magazine” sort of way. I was gorgeous for a good while, although that level was fleeting. But through it all when I looked in the mirror I saw goofy glasses and acne scars and crooked teeth and and and….. I feel like all my life I’ve been that unicorn who looks in the mirror and sees the whiteness and the bigness and the horn all meld together in some weird freak monstrosity. So, frankly, fuck that. I’m in my 30’s. I’m never gonna look like I did when I was a kid because I’m NOT a kid. I’m a grown ass woman. And I’m gonna choose to see a sexy grown ass woman in the mirror from now on.

Unicorns are good luck. There is no Eeyore unicorn moping around the forest lamenting about how its always raining, or how their hoof hurts, or how Thursdays are a drag. Unicorns make their own luck (it comes from a gland right between the vajayjay and the poop shoot. SRSLY. Its a fact.) So I’ve got luck on tap. I’m gonna walk around in a silver plated cloud of happy, cause my life right now is more amazing than I could have ever imagined, and it’s getting better every day. Hey, I’ll even share. If you are really special I’ll show you that tap and let you get a little of my luck on you. Maybe even on your nose wink

Unicorns are desired. Who has ever looked at a sexy ass unicorn and said “ehhh, yeah she’s ok”. Not a damn soul. We are some desired mo-fo’s. So I’m gonna walk through this world just assuming I have a little cloud of awesome invading the nostrils of innocent bystanders. I’m gonna assume that if I catch you looking at my ass it’s because you like what you see. Because really, why assume anything else?

Unicorns are unattainable. I am single. I am single by choice and remain single by choice. Because I don’t need a partner. And really, I have enough going on right now, I don’t have room for it. So I might play. And I will CERTAINLY flirt with all those smexy bitches and boys I know. I might even take someone for a ride on the QP train now and again. But don’t think you have the golden lasso that will tame this wild beast. Maybe someday, but not today. And tomorrow ain’t looking like your day either, Mr/Miss Unicorn Tamer.


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