Having an abdominal hysterectomy at 33 was bad. Hell, it was terrible and the hardest thing I’ve faced. Which, considering what I’ve faced in my life, seems extreme. And it was. The surgery was extreme, the recovery has been extreme. Dealing with that without any other issues would be extreme. Dealing with a hysterectomy with depression and anxiety is impossible. I feel like that alone is too much.
Last week I started back at work. I’m using up the rest of my vacation days to work half days for two weeks because I can’t physically handle more than 4 hours at a desk. The pain and exhaustion is too much past that.
What’s worse is the attitudes of my coworkers. I understand being resentful because you just did all of my work for 13 weeks, and now I’m only working half days for 2 more. But believe me, if I could trade, I would do all of your work for the rest of time to avoid what I’ve been going through. And your snide comments about me leaving early and “enjoying my afternoon off while we keep this boat afloat” isn’t helping. If anything, it is making my recovery worse and making it even more impossible. I’m not sure what you think I’m doing in the afternoon that I’m enjoying so much, but the reality is I’m stuck on the couch in pain with no energy to even get up and get a drink of water. The reality is I have to drag myself out of bed every morning to even manage to get ready for work, let alone find the energy and willpower to work those 4 hours. So feel free to continue to be angry at me for taking time off to have surgery. Continue to talk behind my back and make comments to my face. Continue with the silent treatment and cold shoulder. I’m sorry that your life has been so terrible that you cannot find any empathy for another person who is clearly having trouble. I’m sorry you are so miserable that you have to make their hard time worse by dragging them down even further. I’m also sorry you are so spineless that if I confronted you about this you would deny that anything was going on. Clearly you must think I’m really dumb.
I guess the gist of what I am trying to say is that everyone is having a hard time. Some have it harder than others. I just don’t understand why we have to take our own pain and put it off on other people and make their life experience worse? I am trying my hardest not to take the recent events of my life and negatively impact others. I have stopped telling the truth when people ask how I’m feeling because I don’t want to bring dark clouds on their day. I say “I’m ok” when I’m really not, because I know you have your own problems and I don’t want to put mine off on you. So couldn’t you do me the simple favor of putting aside the grade school playground mentality with your cliques and gossip and act like a normal person for once? You don’t have to feel sorry for me, I don’t need that. You don’t have to even ask me how I am. Just stop treating me like a pariah and giving me the silent treatment. Because honestly, I already have so much going on I’m barely staying afloat as it is. Pull your head out of your own sand for a second and realize everyone is going through something and stop adding to it by acting like a 5 year old.