Reasons

They say everything happens for a reason. I don’t know who “they” are, maybe some brilliant scientists or just the basic public trying to make themselves feel better about bad situations.
I feel like a lot of bad things have happened to me in my lifetime. But I keep going, keep trudging on, and somehow things work out. Every time I think there’s no possible way I can get through something, I do.
I grew up in a very abusive home. Physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. But that rough start gave me the strength to get through anything. It also gave me appreciation for what little I do have. I may not have parents in my life, but I do have a partner and family that love me. They may not be perfect but they’re my family.
Despite all odds I have a college education and a good job. I live in a nice apartment in a decent area. I’m by no means rich, but I can pay my bills and eat, which is more than a lot of people have.
I went to the ER in August with severe abdominal pain. They found 4 very large fibroids on my uterus and a blood filled cyst on each ovary. The largest of the fibroids was the size of a baby’s head and weighed 1.5 lbs. I’m not a doctor, but my surgeon made it pretty clear that those needed removed asap. She said it was the worst case she’d seen. The surgery had a lot of complications and I lost a lot of blood. What should have been a 5 or 6 inch incision ended up being 10 or 12. I’m still recovering and in pain, but I’m alive. My job offers disability and good benefits. If I had to have this surgery 2 years ago at my last job with no benefits or paid leave I wouldn’t have been able to do it. So finding out about the fibroids and cysts came at the perfect time. It was a painful surgery and recovery, but if it was going to happen it couldn’t have happened at a better time.
I also found out I have some thickening of my intestines when I was in the ER.  They did a colonoscopy today to test for Crohn’s disease and found a polyp that could have turned into cancer. He removed it, and wants to also ultrasound my liver and gallbladder. I’m not sure why I still have abdominal pain, the surgeon said it could be scar tissue from the severe endometriosis. Or it could be Crohn’s or something with my gallbladder or liver. Who knows, but at least I found out and they’re doing tests. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s something. Regardless it will be good to know for sure before it gets worse.
My therapist told me that when you have depression it’s like you see everything through gray tinted glasses. The world is dull and lifeless and always looks hopeless through those glasses. I can’t say I’m optimistic all the time, or see rainbows and butterflies on everything. But the small moments I’m able to take those glasses off and see things as they really are give me hope for the future. That one day there will be less glasses days and more clear days.
I can’t say my life is perfect. Sometimes it’s downright crap. But I try to keep looking for the good in the bad. No matter what, or how bad, things always seem to work out somehow. It might not be the best result, but I make it through. And while I’m not fabulous, I am ok. I do have good things in my life.
I know it’s hard to be optimistic sometimes. I am there with you. Hell, it’s hard to be optimistic most of the time. But as those mythical people say, everything does happen for a reason.

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