Goodbye old friend

On By loomy9138In Challenges, Depression, Grief, Healing, hysterectomy, surgery

Since my hysterectomy last month I’ve been having strange thoughts. I never wanted kids before, I think mostly because I was terrified I’d end up treating them like my mother treated me. Since then I’ve been thinking a lot about kids and feeling sad that I can never have any. I wouldn’t necessarily say I want kids, I’m just sad that is no longer on the table. Sure I have my ovaries and could get a surrogate, but
it’s not the same. I know I’m nearing the age anyway where kids are out of the question at 34,  but I guess I just always had that option. To make matters worse I turned 34 eleven days after my hysterectomy. Happy birthday to me. Another thought I’ve been having is that I’ll never have a period again. I know what everyone is thinking, that I’m insane and I should be happy. But I’m mourning it in some way. I never minded my period, it was just something that happened every month. But not anymore. I see tampons and I think to myself with disbelief, “I’ll never need that again” and it’s weird, like a death. I’m also extremely frustrated that I’m still healing and in pain. My surgery was 9/2 and I’m still not able to sit up long enough to go to work without being really uncomfortable. My back and stomach start hurting a lot. I miss the gym and playing basketball. I miss being able to load the dishwasher without being exhausted afterwards. I miss being able to say I didn’t have any health problems or major surgeries. Is it possible to mourn a uterus? Is that a thing? I never really gave it much thought before, but now I think about it a lot. Like the space in my body that it occupied, I feel like something is missing. And I feel like a failure constantly because I can’t physically do anything without pain and getting tired quickly. And I feel scared, because while they were doing all the testing they said I may have Crohn’s disease. I went from perfect health to being an invalid overnight. It’s really aggravating. So, I miss you, old friend that I never thought about. I miss you, life before surgery.

12 thoughts on “Goodbye old friend”

  2. I hear you! There is a mourning process to losing a part of ourselves for WHATEVER reason we had a hysterectomy. Unlike you, for me, losing my uterus meant a loss of monthly pain and lethargy. Losing my uterus meant gaining time and feeling better physically. Being 45 at the age of my uterus any making of a baby was over for me … and having had a chromosomally abnormal pregnancy at age 43 the decision was relatively easy.

    You’re not alone in grieving a part of you that you can never retrieve and the whole idea of the loss of never being able to carry a baby of your own. I get you sister girl! I reblogged your post on my site because I think your words are honest, real and touching.

    You are not alone. ❤

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    1. A lot of people have said that both in my life and on blogs and forums I’ve read. They were relieved and happy to have the surgery. I was blindsided by it. One day I was in excruciating pain and went to the er. They said I had 4 fibroids and a cyst on each ovary and possible Crohn’s. What the hell! My period was never bad. It’s weird to go from fine to “oh you have these serious medical issues”. One of the fibroids was 11cm and 1.5 lbs. The next was 7cm. I had never known they were there, that I had issues. The surgeon said it’s one of the worst cases she’s seen. But I never even knew I had an issue until August 16th. Then my whole world changed with one trip to the ER. Maybe that’s why I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around this. I only had 2 weeks to come to terms with it before the surgery.

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      3. Thanks for another awesome post! I went to the er with severe abdominal pain and found out that day I had 4 fibroids and cysts on each ovary. 3 of the fibroids were attached to my uterus by a stalk (gross right) and the other was in the lining. The largest (who I named Matilda) was 11 cm and weighed 1.5 lbs. Next largest was 7 cm and I’m not sure the size of the other two. I found this out that day in the er and was admitted for 5 days. I also had a high white blood cell count (infection) and thickening of the lining of my intestines that they think may be Crohn’s. I have to have a colonoscopy in a few weeks before they’ll know for sure. So I didn’t have much time to prepare for the hysterectomy, I went into the hospital 8/14 and had surgery 9/2. From zero health issues to all of this. The surgery took 5 1/2 hrs and I lost 3 units of blood. She had to call in an extra surgeon because the endometriosis was so bad. I still have part of my cervix, simply because it’s fused to my bowels. They tried to do part of the surgery laproscopically but when she made the cut 2 inches above my belly button all she could see was Matilda. I’m not a doctor, but I imagine you aren’t supposed to have reproductive type stuff that high up. I had been having bladder problems, I assume something was sitting on it.
        So I had surgery 9/2 and I’m still off work and stressing big time. I’m supposed to go back next week but walking a quarter mile and my morning routine still wipe me out. Sitting gets painful after a couple hours, and I have an 8 to 5 desk job. Is this normal? I’ve tried being lightly active, I’ve tried doing nothing but riding the couch. I’ve tried a mix of both. What gives? Yesterday I carried a small bag of groceries upstairs and nearly didn’t make it. Is that normal at 8 weeks to still be unable to function? The best part is now I’m starting to get the, “you’re still not back to work?” from family and friends. I don’t want them to think I’m faking it or milking it. I just really get pooped at the slightest amount of sitting or walking.

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      4. I think your condition PRE hysterectomy was not the usual case. I also think having lost so much blood and a long surgery can wipe a person out without any doubt. You ARE trying to recover the best you can, but there is no rushing time. Time takes time.

        If you are still feeling this tired, perhaps a trip to your doctor would be in line for a reevaluation. You may need an extension for time off.

        The whole “you’re still not back to work?” from family and friends can be a sign they are concerned about you and can’t understand why you can’t go back to work … and they are not Ob/Gyn surgeons I’m guessing. This is YOUR body, you only have one time to heal properly. I’d say get checked out by your doc and see what he/she says.

        People underestimate the challenge of sitting all day. Sitting is a stressful position on one’s body especially on any regular basis. I don’t know if a standing desk is possible for you. My work has financial constraints, plus my boss wouldn’t be supportive of anything like that … at least not yet.

        Can you work part-time? If your job is like mine then you can’t return until you can fully function … there is no part-time offered post-op.

        The only thing else I can think of is intermittent FMLA leave. Your physician is the one to get something like this started and your facility works to get it going. While intermittent FMLA is a great thing for the person getting it, sometimes there can be disgruntled co-workers who see their co-worker leaving when they want and not coming to work … intermittently.

        I just want to let you know it’s out there. In my work area, intermittent FMLA gets a positive reception when the worker or their family member has cancer. When the intermittent FMLA is used for migraines and GI issues, many co-workers think that person is taking advantage of the system. That’s just the perception where I work and the experience I’ve witnessed.

        I hope you are able to come back to work and things get better for you. Recovery from major surgeries are a journey with the best person to understand this is the actual person on the healing road!

        Hang in there! I wish you the best and more health energy sent your way. 🙂

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      5. I have an appointment Tuesday and I thought tomorrow I’d do a test run at home to see my capabilities so I can better tell the doctor where I’m at. My work is weird I guess, I am an exempt employee so I had to have FMLA and short term disability for this. The paperwork Cigna Leave Solutions sends me has dates and how much time I have left. It was 12 weeks. The person in HR at my job said originally 13 weeks continuous pay. I really need to call her and ask her what happens after 13 weeks but my anxiety isn’t really allowing that. I might ask about half days, I have 44 hours of vacation time left. I’m sure my coworkers, who are very catty will be hostile about that but they seem to be mad no matter what. So it’s a no win situation regardless! Thank you for y the understanding and kind words, you’ve been a great support during this!

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      6. Good luck with whatever happens! Easier said than done, but don’t let the catties get you down — you’ve already got enough to deal with considering leave paperwork & procedures not to meant ion THE MOST IMPORTANT THING — your healing!

        Take care of yourself and be sure to surround yourself with the people who ARE supportive of you … and those other people, put them on the back burner. 🙂

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  3. aunttabbi

    I understand what you mean. I did want kids, but was told before my surgery that kids weren’t possible. Yet I still mourned the fact that I couldn’t have kids. I felt empty inside for months after my surgery. Weird to say I’m sure. But I just felt like a big part of me was missing. I had a complete hysterectomy. So I don’t have ovaries to do a surrogate pregnancy. I still grieve from time to time. It’s been almost a year since my surgery. (December 17th) I was 33 and turned 34 just under a month after my surgery. Keep your chin up. It does get better. There will probably be times that you will still feel like you are grieving, but it does get better. Best of luck to you.

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